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Um, Where the Hell Are We?

New Jersey is basically a large suburb linking New York City and Philadelphia. When a metropolitan area gets as densely populated as this one, a phenomena begins to happen in some areas. In certain cities, the drug and violent crime rate goes through the roof. These places, or “the ghetto” as suburban teens affectionally call them, are easy to identify when you are driving through them.

The key of course is to keep driving. Whatever you do, don’t pull over and ask directions. Well-meaning, well-dressed college kids might not realize that they resemble one of two things in such an area. Either you're a cop, and take a guess how these areas feel about cops, or you are looking to buy illegal narcotics. For those two reasons alone you should keep driving until your surroundings stop giving you a panic attack. Comedian Pete Holmes suggests looking up directions to the nearest Barns and Noble on your phone's navigation. Solid advice.

New Jersey looks like it started as a large square, with roads going in straight, easily-navigable directions, and that some giant took a sledge-hammer and bashed all the edges in with full force. The roads resemble a half-empty package of gummy worms, twisting and turning in defiance of logic and physics. You may enter the bad neighborhood by accident, but getting out is no easy task.

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